Look who’s crying now

Boys don’t tend to cry that often, well if they do, they certainly don’t do it in public places and make a big fuss of it, unlike girls, they seem to cry quite a bit. Over pretty much anything - happy, excited, sad, confused, frustrated, angry. They cry a lot.

I never used to cry. Unless it was through laughter, I suppose it was a way of letting the tears out. I laugh a hell of a lot and cry almost every time! Okay, when I say never, that’s a lie - I cry pretty much every time I'm in a plane about to take off/ land/ in turbulence, when I have to have an injection, or when I'm in physical pain (I cut my finger, badly and cried hysterically! It bloody hurt, I thought I had amputated it!) But I’d say I only ever cry a few times a year, which isn’t much at all, compared to most!

I’ve cried quite a bit over the last year. Kosova is mostly to blame, I cried more in 2 weeks than I had in 2 years, it was an extraordinary, incredible experience with so many emotions involved – it’s hard to understand if you’ve not been to a place like that, but it definitely changed my life. I’m not going back this year, which breaks my heart and I could (and have) cried just thinking about it! I think Kosova set this crying thing off in me - I still don’t cry as much as other people, but I’m getting there.


The day we left Kosova. I was an absolute mess.

I reckon I’ve had more to cry about this year than I have had most years, It’s not been a fantastic year so far... so that’s probably why I’ve found this new crying side to myself. When my dog (Sasha) had a fit back in March, I cried SO much. Everyone in the house was hysterical; we all thought she was going to die! It was 11.30pm, just Mum and I were downstairs, Sasha started panting and frothing at the mouth, we shouted Dad and Craig (my brother) to come downstairs, then she started fitting. There was a fair bit of screaming, lots of crying, it was awful, a terrible thing to watch a dog you’ve had for 13 years go through. That was the first time since Kosova (July 2011) that I had cried enough to make myself feel physically sick.

We had some bad news in the family a few months ago and I’ve had a few days at work when I just couldn’t stop the tears from coming out and felt like they’d never stop (I felt like a right douche!) luckily there are some lovely people at work who will just listen to you and let you cry it all out – it helps A LOT!

Loads of people tell me I’m dumb, which is true... I’m not the sharpest knife in the draw; I don’t have a lot of common sense. But it really pisses me off when someone tells me I’m too thick to do something; it makes me so angry. I don’t mind having a laugh at my own dumbness, but I do mind when someone undermines me for it. Who are you to tell me what I can and can’t achieve?! My poor mum always listens to me rant about how much it pisses me off and then I get these tears of frustration and anger!

My Dad, he’s a big crier, he cries at anything! Even when it’s not that sad - Eastenders, Emmerdale, Luther Vandross – Dance with my Father again, most films... His excuse is ALWAYS “I’m not crying, I yawned and it made my eyes water” hahahaa. My mum will cry at those kinda things too, although she’s not as bad as my Dad, but when mum cries she proper cries, like goes red faced and everything! If both my parents are like that, it doesn’t really make sense where this ‘no crying’ thing came from... It must be my Gran, I’ve never once seen her cry, she’s quite hard and laughs when people are crying at things on the telly (as do I). She’s an awesome woman and I think I look up to her in a lot of ways, I assume this is where it all came from.

Crying at films and TV programmes – it’s silly. It’s not real life. It can’t be sad enough to make people physically cry. That’s what I used to think when people would sit there and cry at a bloody film! My sisters keeper (overrated), Marley and Me, Dear John, The Notebook-  yes, I’d agree that they’re all sad, but enough to make someone cry? Hmmmm, I wasn't convinced. Yet, a few months back, I watched a programme at work, it wasn’t even sad, but I actually proper cried, I had to go get a tissue and everything! The other day, I sat with Mum and watched Steel Magnolias, I had a lump in my throat and little tear, but in fairness that is actually REALLY sad. What is going on with me?! It’s so weird to actually cry at something that affects your life in no way!

Anyway, I like this new side to me. It feels so refreshing to cry every now and then; to let it all out and have a good cry about things that have got to me. I doubt I’ll ever be one of those girls that will cry when someone says/ does something nice to/ for them – I’d love to be, but I don’t think it’ll happen any time soon. I also don’t think I’ll ever be someone who’ll cry at the little things – I tend to let lots of things build up, wait for something cry-worthy and then let it all out. Weird. I don’t understand why people think crying is a girly thing... I bet guys just hold it all in when they’re in public and then cry into a box of chocolate when they get home!

Where's the box of tissues? I'm off to cry about the fact I'm not going to Kosova this year, night x

Favourite places

All of these places hold amazing memories and will always be special to me.

My secondary school – Everyone says “it’s the best time of your life!” and you never believe it when you’re there, but it’s soooooo true. I have so many memories from school and friends for life. I love going back on open day or my brother parents evening – seeing old teachers and having a good ol’ chat with them, seeing how the school has changed. The last few weeks of school were the best, dress-up day, prom, geek day, water fights. It was just the best, I love my old school. Although you hate it when you’re there, weirdly, you will miss it once you leave!

Nelson’s Column – Every time my friend Charlotte and I are on our own in London we go and sit on Nelson’s Column looking towards Big Ben. We sat there for ages the first time we met and now every chance we get to, we do and can literally spend ages just sitting there. We’ve had so many nice moments up there, laughing till it hurts, planning things we WILL do at some point (NY, tattoos, Dollywood),  stuffing our faces, deep chats, pointless chats J It’s such a good view too, it always reminds me why I love London so much. 

Kosova - It’s one of my favourite places because it literally changed my life – I know it sounds cheesy and over-dramatic, but it’s true. I made some incredible friends out there, got closer to someone I’ve known for years and we made some of the best memories I have. – It was literally the best two weeks of my life, but also the most heart-breaking and eye-opening. I saw a lot of things that really upset me and met some amazing people who have been through things you can’t even begin to imagine. I’m glad I got the chance to go there and help these people – it holds a very special place in my heart and I have every intention of returning at some point.

Theatre Royal Haymarket and the Savoy Theatre – I’m not ashamed to admit that three of the most awesome girls I know, I met through Twitter and we met up on 19 May 2011 at the Theatre Royal Haymarket. I already have some of the most amazing memories with these girls, and I know there are so much more to come. We’re so alike, we always have a laugh and get on so well, they probably know me better than any of my other mates.  I feel like I’ve known them forever – don’t know what I did without them tbh. Lucy, Amelia, Charlotte, I love you guys. I just have so many fab memories from TRH. The Savoy Theatre also holds some of the best memories – MUFFY, “doing the dirty” (not as bad as it sounds), dayseating – too many to even mention.

Great Yarmouth – My family go here every Easter, since before I was born. All of my Mum’s side – Gran, Uncles, Aunts, Cousins, bridge Cousins, bridge Aunts & Uncles and bridge Grandparents and family friends, just LOADS of us. We ALWAYS win the champagne for ‘noisiest’ table. There are always the same friendly faces there and I just love it. There’s Louis the Lion, twin-spin disco, bingo, fancy-dress, talent contest, mini golf, family games, the freezing beach- so much! I can’t even explain how much I enjoy it, just spending time with all the family – we’re so close, but don’t get to spend that much time together so holidays like this are just the best. We always have a friggin’ awesome time. I’d pick Great Yarmouth over a hot summer holiday any day!

My House – “I can’t wait to move to London” – I say this all the time, but I know I’d really miss our village! Everyone pretty much knows everyone, here. Old ladies always stop and chat to you, people are always asking how you are and you know that if/when you need your neighbours they’ll be there for you – which I think is quite rare to find these days. But my favourite thing about where we live is the fact that you can always see the stars, you don’t get that in the city! There are a lot of people down our road that are similar ages and we sorta grew up together, playing in the fields and climbing trees, making snowmen together, bike rides, football, quad biking. I love our little ‘village’, it’s pretty awesome!

Oooo, my first post! Kosova...

Everyone has a blog, so I thought I’m jump onboard and start my own. I know, it has a crap title, but I couldn’t think of anything and I am pretty dumb, so thought it was quite apt. I wanted to write about Kosova, I doubt that any of you will be interested but yeah... so here it is.


The most incredible, extraordinary, emotional, life-changing 2 weeks of my life were spent out in a place called Kosova.

I’ve been a member of the Girls’ Brigade for 12 years, and it’s through this that I got the opportunity  to go out to a country that experienced a war years ago and are still recovering, I got to meet and help the people, listen to their stories and actually do something about it all through an amazing charity called Smile International.

I went with Grace, who I’ve known for years, but never really been that close with - I’m so glad I got to share this experience with her. It brought us closer; she was a tower of support and encouragement for me. She knew how worried I was about everything – the flying, the food, the people, and the country. She held my hand on the plane, cuddled me when I was in floods of tears and was always there for a chat when I needed one. Grace, thank you.

We flew out on July 11th 2011 with a group of 12 girls and we met Mike and Diana (Kosova Mummy and Daddy) out there! I had the most INCREDIBLE time ever. I saw some heart-breaking things, met some amazing people with amazing stories, I made friends for life and have been inspired by some of the other volunteers.

I’m not a crier, but I cried so much in Kosova, when you’re in a place surrounded by devastation, meeting people who have experienced things you can’t even imagine, it’s really over-whelming and makes you realise how lucky you are. I'm so glad that I had the opportunity to make a slight difference to the lives of people we met and to meet some truly inspiring people. I can’t even begin to describe how much I love Kosova and what it did to me.

I was worried 2 weeks would be too long, but it wasn’t long enough. I didn’t want to come home, I cried LOADS on our last day. I had such a good time out there, in the evenings me and Mike would sit out on the balcony overlooking Albania and he’d tell me some astonishing stories, me and Grace did a few Smithy and Rudi scenes in the talent show. We sang ‘Sha-la-la-la-la’ in Petrit’s van on trips out and had many hilarious conversations over the dinner table “Do I have to take my own mars bar...?” - Ann.

Now, I’ve got to make a decision... do I go back this year or not? I had the most mind-blowing, amazing experience last year but I’m worried it won’t be as good this year. There will be more people from my company going, it’ll be totally different. Also, I can only really go for 1 week if I go, which I know won’t be long enough. I want to see everyone again – Mike, Diana, Ann, Alice and everyone else! Kosova is a beautiful, extraordinary country and I literally fell in love with the place and the people.

I have to fill out forms by the end of this month.

Ahhhh, decisions!
Can someone please make the choice for me?!